Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Unofficial Rules for Counting Calories

A long time ago, I read an Ann Landers (or maybe Dear Abby, who knows?) about the “correct” way to count calories, and what doesn’t count. Over the years, my sisters and I have altered and perfected these rules, and now I am sharing them with you.

  1. If you eat standing up, the calories fall down to your feet and come out when you walk.
  2. If you eat in the dark, the calories cannot find your butt (or hips, or stomach), so they escape from the food before they get into your mouth.
  3. No matter how fattening a meal or snack may be, drinking a Diet j0427691 Coke with it will cancel out the calories.
  4. There are no calories if you eat off of somebody else’s plate. (This is why I make my husband get dessert, so I can eat a few bites or more off HIS plate.)
  5. Breaking a cookie, brownie, cupcake, or anything else in half, no matter how many times, will allow the calories to escape.
  6. If you are blissfully ignorant about the fat and calories of a particular dish or food, it can be whatever you want it to be. (This one is my favorite!

So there you have it. Now, I guess I should warn you that I am not a nutritionist or expert in the field of dieting, so SOME facts may be a BIT off. And also, these rules MAY not result in any weight loss!

What are your rules?



  1. And don't forget: If you don't use a fork (or spoon) and use your fingers, it definitely doesn't count!

  2. And I also forgot that if it's your birthday, or even if you're just celebrating your birthday, there are no calories.