Friday Funny- Oh Yes, Spouse GPS

Dear Tom-Tom GPS,


I've been very intrigued over the last 6 months with your downloads of different character voices. I especially liked the Yoda voice download. The video makes me laugh every single time, especially when he makes the sound engineers sliders go maniacal. 
We're coming up on vacation within the next few months at The B House. As we always take a long car trip, it got me to thinking... (Danger, Will Robinson!!!) ... I would LOVE to have Spouse Voice GPS download. Think of the time you could save millions of women  spouses across America. The GPS could be turned on and I any spouse in the navigational chair could zone out  read their book in complete peace. It would take care of the reminding for them. Just think....  you could program responses such as:


1.) Yes, honey, we are making GREAT time! (Please set this to repeat every 25 miles). 


2.) Yes, dear, I know we just stopped 2 hours ago, but if the kids don't get to go to the bathroom soon, it's gonna get six shades of stinky in here! (Please set this to play after ONE hour of continuous driving, repeating every 8 minutes until we stop.)


3.) Yes, dear, the map CONFIRMS what the GPS is saying. (Please use after stating #1. Continual loop.)


4.) We're really ready for a break now! (Said in a somewhat cheery voice. See instructions on #2).


5.) Dearest children of mine, play nice or I'm coming back there. (Set this to play when said spouse overrides #2).


6.) I MEAN IT. DON'T Make me come back there. (In conjunction with #5, as you deem necessary).


7.) Honey- please... I'm begging, don't take the alternate route in Atlanta. Can we PLEASE stay on the main route this time? (Please program this to speak 30 minutes before we hit Atlanta, and repeating every two minutes until he driver agrees.)


8.) Yes. I know. I can SEE that we are at a dead stop in nine lanes of traffic. Which is why I begged you not to take the alternate route. (Program for when we hit Atlanta).


9.) Hey Mister! Don't get fussy with me! I told you not to take the alternate route! If you're not gonna listen, why did you turn the GPS on in the first place?!?!?!? (Please use in conjunction with #8. For an extra fee, you could program it to mumble something completely undecipherable and shut down afterwards).


I'd be happy to do the voiceover for free. And once this is uploaded to the GPS, I can put my earplugs in and rest assured I'm still navigating.  Please say you'll consider it....


Yours, looking forward to that car trip!


Melissa

THINGS HAPPEN IN 3’s, RIGHT?

This has NOT been a good week for me, but as long as things really do happen in 3’s (should there be an apostrophe there?), I should be okay now!

I’ll start first with Saturday night at a restaurant. We are being led to our table when I happen to find, as only I can, a very small spot of water on the floor. Yep, DOWN I went! Not very graceful, I’m sure! And yep, I’m still sore from that fall! (How is it that kids can fall all day long and jump right back up without even thinking about it? I fall and actually sat there a while thinking “Wow, I fell. Hmmm. That’s weird! Oh, and OW!)

Oh, and to add insult to injury, when I stood up (finally), I look to see who I fell in front of, and there were friends of my parents! Ugh!

Then, on Monday, I’m driving down the highway with my kids and the semi in front of us ran over something that flew up and hit our windshield. Hard. In the slow motion, watching it, knowing I could do nothing about it, it looked like a piece of drywall or something similar. Luckily it didn’t shatter the glass. But it still scared the you-know-what out of all of us!

Finally, Tuesday morning my husband woke me up at 4:15 in excruciating pain with what we diagnosed (thank you, internet, for making us all as smart as doctors) as kidney stones. Go to the hospital or wait for the doctor to open up? He finally decided to wait (good for me because I had to be at work at 8:45, um, not that I was thinking about myself). Once the stone started to move, he actually felt a bit better.

So my question is this: Does his kidney stone thing count as his first thing or can it count as my third thing? Because I’ve had about enough this week!

Karen

 

Monday Madness- Small Words, Huge Results

It's the usual Monday craziness. Day after Father's Day. First day of VBS. Our church does it big- about 900 kids and 500 volunteers. Yes, parking can be competitive! But the kids love it, so it's worth it. Today finds me contemplating something else entirely, though. I've been going through one of those seasons where it seems a couple of relationships have exploded all over the place. It's not been fun. People are people and we all have our stuff. Sometimes sorting it out it pretty messy. What has made the most impact on me, however, is the use of two small words: "I'm sorry." 


Back before Brad and I were getting married, we had a pastor counsel us. He charged Brad Brad with five words that he needed to say first, every time there was a disagreement. Those words were: "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." 


I will tell you, I can be furious- beyond livid- and those words still affect me. I can be mentally dividing the furniture and those words will stop me dead in my tracks. (Dagnabit!) There's something about someone putting their pride aside and saying "I'm sorry." Even if you don't feel like you were wrong. Usually, there's more than enough blame to go around. But the longer you wait to say it, the harder it is, and the harder it is for the other person to hear it. 


Today is a good day to get started.


Yours, 


Melissa

Saturday Sass- Don't Try This At Home

I've been making a mess in the kitchen. I've been working on some Father's Day things this afternoon. I've been happy to be with the family this weekend. We've had a lot of busyness lately and I feel a real need to slow down. The kids think otherwise. ("Mom, I'm bored!" To which I reply,"I am not the Bishop Entertainment Committee. Figure it out.") 


Anyway, one thing The Hubs really likes is homemade biscotti. I have perfected the recipe in our household. It took me about 3 years to get it just right. And of course, he likes it with chocolate on it. Not a big deal. Just time intensive and somewhat messy. The chocolate was not cooperating with me today, so I had to spread it on as opposed to drip it on. This created quite a mess of crumbs on the kitchen floor. Sweeping is not my favorite activity, so I drug out the vacuum cleaner. I began vacuuming up the crumbs on the wood floor. And then I saw a bunch of crumbs on my stove. My stove is gas, so not being a flat-top, you have to lift everything to wipe out the bottom where all the crumbs were, by the flame unit. I had the vacuum cleaner going and I though, "I'll just put the hose there and suck up all those crumbs and call it good."


It sounded easy enough in my head.


But did you know that if you get the suction hose close enough to the stove, and the stove is on, and it happens to be a gas FLAME, that the FLAME will go right up the vacuum hose? Immediately?!


To say the least, there was a fair amount of dancing about whilst increasing the volume of my voice.


So glad they were at the pool. 


Yours, wondering if my kitchen will ever be safe from me,


Melissa

Tuesday Tidbit

I'm a blog dork. My days are so run together lately, but what's new? This morning, I got up and made the most PERFECT banana bread I have EVER made in my new oven. It was unbelievable. How do I know? I quality taste tested it of course. However, I turned my back for a few minutes and Lola decided to follow suit. With BOTH loaves. 


What do you get when you cross a Golden Lab with her human's freshly baked banana bread? 


Golden Couch Pillows.


When I discovered it I screamed her name so loudly I lost my voice momentarily. Which of course only served to make me even MORE angry.


Lola crouched.


"Downstairs!" I bellowed.


She didn't even hesitate. Guiltily she trod to the door and went directly into the kennel. I suppose I could look at it as we've made progress. I didn't even have to tell her to kennel. 


Now, if I can only break her of eating off the counter when I'm not looking...


Right.  That's like breaking a newborn of peeing between diaper changes. Good luck with that.


Yours, thankful I have my voice back,


Melissa

BRACES ARE GOING TO BREAK ME!

Forget college, braces are going to put me in the poorhouse! Having twins is NOT all it’s cracked up to be when it comes to expenses. Apparently they are both ready for braces. Now. Have you priced them lately? I’m told that we’re “lucky” because they should only need them for around 15 months each, so we’re getting a bit of a discount. But we’re still looking at OVER $10,000 for the two of them. I may be dating myself here, but my braces cost $1600. (And yes, I’m sure, because my father told me this many, many times!)

Oh, but I’m in luck. If I pay all at once, I get a 5% discount. Or if I pay by credit card, I get a 2.5% discount. (Which would be really stupid because I obviously pay more that 2.5% finance charge on my credit card, but whatever. I’m sure somebody will fall for that one.)

You know, having an overbite isn’t the worst thing in the world, is it? Fine, you know I’ll get my boys braces, but the cost is just ridiculous.

At least braces are “cooler” now than they were in my day. I guess that’s why they cost so much more, right?

Karen

Monday Madness- uhm, it's Tuesday!

I know. Monday Madness was yesterday. Even though it's summer, it seems the madness is running over! I guess that first full week we are all trying to fit so much in before everyone begins going on vacation. My inbox? Running over. My to do list? A mile long. My adrenaline, pretty low. But that's okay. It will get done when it gets done. 


Today is another list of things- Dr. visit for the 6th grade checkup, working a half day, GNO later tonight, probably after I sit with The Hubs and kids at the concert in the park. OH! And there is actual work to be done- house chores (if I don't go to the grocery soon we are going to be in a world of hurt) and School of the Arts (who is still registering for Summer Classes, btw!)


I'm REALLY hoping that things will slow down next week. But I guess that's up to me, as I am maker of the schedule. Lots to get done, only a little time to get it done in because, the real priority this summer? My kids. He hits Middle School this year. She's entering 4th grade. My days are limited. And I intend to get in as much summer wonderfulness with them as I can.


Here's to summer!


Yours, wondering how I can fit in extra days at the pool,


Melissa

Friday Funny- Suits of Shame???

Recently, we took a trip to San Francisco. The Hubs has a business conference there, so I joined him at the end for a few days of complete down time. I do mean complete. I had no internet access. And did you know in California, on the coast, cell reception (even on 4G) is sketchy? Oh yes! But honestly, I was quite happy. 
We spent a day in San Francisco and our beloved St Louis Cardinals were playing the Giants so we took in the game. Surprisingly, there were quite a few Redbird fans out there. And KUDOS to The Giants, who were gracious opponents (and victorious, at that). 
We lost the game on some frustrating errors. (I know, right? As IF I could talk sports. LOL! This would be the mark of a married woman whose husband adores baseball.) Since it was only The Hubs and I, and we were not in The Lou, where the lines would be unbelievable to see the team coming out, we decided to wait around to see if we could get pictures of the players. We waited for a long time. Finally, we begin to see some people walking to the busses. A few coaches, Mark Maguire, Mike Shannon, and then-


Wainright comes out in a full camo tuxedo.


Camo as in camouflage. Hunter/Army camouflage.


Skip Schumacher dressed as a leprechaun? 


And handsome man Lance Berkman in head to toe pink?


Out comes the manager, Mike Matheny, in a wonderfully cut suit, no costume in sight.


I couldn't figure it out. Why the funky suits? Then it hits me. Had you seen the game, you would have probably known how we all felt. The World Champions losing the game on silly errors. (Especially after our catcher, Yadi, hits a GRAND SLAM. Hello!!!!) Matheny MUST be making them wear The Suits of Shame. 


Lose like that again? Freese is donning the Cat In the Hat Outfit. 


Yours, thinking I'ma gonna like Mike Matheny!


Melissa