Saturday, April 14, 2012

Saturday Sass -"THE" Talk

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know my Z1 (5th grade) is coming up on some important milestones. At the end of the month, he'll see "THE" movie that precedes middle school boys health class.   
Yes, THAT movie. I'm somewhat dreading it. You see, my Z1 is still innocent and has this wonderful sense of naivety which I am reticent to relinquish. Not that it's mine to relinquish, I know, but I'm in no hurry to make it go away.  But I know the time is fast approaching.

So we were in the car the other day, myself, Z1 and Z2.  We were talking about the school day and Z1 pipes up, "I know what sex is."

Keep your eyes on the road Melissa! Act nonchalant! Do NOT hyperventilate!  Hands on the wheel!!! HANDS ON THE WHEEL!!!

"Oh. So you do," I say, as if he had just told me he had bought a pack of bubble gum. Luckily, in the midst of my fading mental focus, I remembered one of the most important things I've learned as a parent when the child brings up a sensitive topic. I didn't even look at him. I just acted like all was wonderful with the world and said,"And what do YOU think sex is?"

"Well," he says, all grins,"My third grade buddy brought it up today. He said the word "SEX" in the middle of class and everyone heard him and the WHOLE class was like WHOOOOOOOOAAAAA!" He laughed. 

"Did your third grade buddy tell you what sex is?" I asked.

"No way! RJ told me!" he explained.

"Pssshhh- Zach! I  know what sex is!" pipes up Z2 from the back seat. At this point, I'm considering pulling over for our safety. I began having flashbacks of when Z2 came home from first grade one day  having been taught the "eff" word by a kid in her class. Horrified does not even BEGIN to describe how I felt. "It's no big deal!" she continued. "It just means what GENDER you are!"

I silently said a prayer of blessing over her third grade teacher, knowing that explanation had come directly from him.  "No it's NOT!" Z1 condescended. "RJ told me it's when two people get naked and start kissing!"

"Oh, really..." I say. He looks right at me. "Do you and Dad do that?" At this point, I couldn't help myself. I burst into laughter. Unfazed, he continued,""Cause that's just gross. I don't think I'm going to do that until I'm at least fifty!!!" 

"You might feel differently about that in a few years," I replied. "But you DO need to be married before you start kissing a girl and being naked."

"Well, okay," he said, fully resigned." Maybe when I'm thirty, but no sooner! I still think that's gross mom. I really hope you're not kissing Dad like that!"

Oh. My. WORD. Z1 is going to be scarred for life.

Yours, trying to contain my giggles,



  1. That is cute. I had a recent "sex talk" experience with Mr. Nick who is in the full swing of puberty. His comment at the dinner table. "You and Dad should send us to Grandma's house so you can have sex. It's healthy for married couples to have sex." Talk about spitting your food across the table!!

  2. I'm telling you. Angel, the hits keep coming. The V-word came up on a TV show the other night (Celebrity Apprentice, of all things) which led to an entirely new discussion. He says,"So it's like a magic lamp?" I have no idea where he got that from...

    But for Nick to say that to you and Mark at dinner.... Oh! To be a fly on THAT wall! :D