NinjaMommy!

As I was saying on Monday, Z1 is getting older. I felt it in Wal-mart when he kept walking away to look at things on his own. I distinctly felt it today when walking him into school. Instead of hugging and kissing me like he usually does, he put two fingers to his lips and blew me a kiss with a,"Gee, Mom, I hope you understand that I really do love you but it might make me look uncool if I demonstrate that at the moment." I blew him a kiss back. I know, I should be grateful that he acknowledges any sort of affection in public. But he's just going to have to get over the kissing/hugging hello and goodbye thing. There are some things I refuse to relinquish.

I was talking about this with Karen today, and came to this conclusion.

HYPOTHESIS: You know, when our kids were 2 and 3, we thought that as they grew, we were going to become less involved in their lives. They would become independent and not need me as much anymore. At the young ages, they need me there to facilitate and help and be involved. But as they grow up, they'll want to be more on their own.

CONCLUSION: 100% False. The older they get, the more they need me. Seriously. At the end of the summer. I took a job that allows me to be with my kids 4 out of 5 weekday afternoons. Do you know how much I'm learning? WHOA! And not just about them, either. I hear everything about everyone at that school. And at church. And Scouts, Baseball and Gymnastics. Listening to them, I'm helping them process and navigate tricky (for their age) social waters and responsibilities. The thinking it through help requires more attention than I ever had to give doing that "ABC Puzzle" at age 2.

And how about the older they get? We haven't even hit Middle School yet. Karen, whose sister has a young teenager, tells me that you have to be all about their business, but you have to do it in "stealth mode". Any suggestions? Because you know how I feel: Their business IS my business and I'm going to be all up IN their business until the day they sign their first lease agreement on their own apartment. And even then I make no guarantees.

But this stealth mode thing requires me to be in their business without them knowing I know. How in the heck? I'm like a bull in a china closet.... HELP!

Yours, taking thoughts and suggestions,

Melissa

The Military Unit of Wal-mart

I broke my personal code yesterday and did my monthly Wal-mart shopping on a Sunday. I'm not a huge fan of Wal-mart anyway, but I especially detest going there on the weekend because it's even more unbearable than during the week. I waited until after dinner and took Z1 with me to do our shopping.

Z1 is nine and beginning to feel the need to assert his independence and more and more often, his opinions. Not a bad thing. Except when he keeps walking off from me at a Super Wal-mart. Those places are huge, with all kinds of people walking about. I was by electronics when it happened. I kept waiting for him to "Come.On. Son." and I finally turned my back and said,"Okay. Mommy's leaving. Let's go."

Usually works, right? I walked for about 20 seconds and before I turned into the next aisle, I looked back and he wasn't there. Irritated, I made a turn to go back, promising myself that he was going to need discipline when I found him. I walked back to where he had been and he was simply gone. No sign of him. Now I'm beginning to call out his name. Usually I get a response right away, right? Not this time. I'm walking around the electronics department, up and down each aisle, calling his name. NO RESPONSE. Now I'm starting to worry a little. I begin broadening my search and still no sign of Z1. Not in electronics. Not in pets. Not in toys. After 10 minutes I'm clearly beginning to worry/panic slightly. I see a sales associate.

"Excuse me, Miss, I seem to have lost my son. I can't find him anywhere."

"Come with me to the dressing rooms, please, we can make a call out from there."

She takes me to another associate who immediately picks up the phone and breaks over the intercom," Attention all Associates. CODE ADAM. We have a lost boy who is..." and she begins repeating the descriptors as I say them.

Other parents see me (as I'm trying to hold it together... I will not cry! I will. not. cry.! Dang it! There goes a tear...) and they say,"Lost your son? We're on it." They didn't know each other. They didn't know me or my son. But they split up and began looking in the direction Z1 and I lost each other. The sales associate begins to make the call again. It's only been a minute. Doors have been closed. Sales associates are looking through all the aisles.

And halfway through the associate's announcement, a male voice breaks in,"We have the boy. Cancel CODE ADAM. Bringing him to clothing."

The manager brought back a scared little guy to his thankful Mom. I kissed and hugged him, then promptly grounded his butt, threatening to make him ride in the cart like a 3-yr old if he could not contain his wandering feet. (Yes. I did.)

Amazing what will bring people together. Passerbys who are simply doing for someone else what they would hope someone would do for them. Workers trained for situations we hope never happen. What I could not do in 12 minutes, they accomplished in 1 min, 15 seconds. Yes, Wal-mart as a military unit. Amazing!

Yours, thankful for responders!

Melissa

FRIDAY FUN

It's FRIIIIIIIIDAY! Oh Friday, how I love you. Words cannot express how much I look forward to you during the week. The thought of a long expanse of time when I can work on whatever I choose, however I choose.... you don't disappoint!

But the main reason for singing notes of happiness today is this:

OUR BOOK IS DONE AND UP FOR SALE ON OUR WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go ahead- click on the text above and see the special we're running. After visiting with my parents this week, I've realized more than ever, I've got to keep it together for their and my sake. I've already sent a copy to my mom and she has begun filling it out so that we're all clear on everything.

I'm grateful. It's a conversation I didn't want to have, but glad I did.

Yours, looking forward to the weekend!

Melissa

PS- I know this was not a typical sassy, fun Friday post. I promise to get back to my normal, unfiltered, stream-of-consciousness thinking by next Friday!

SINGING NOTES OF HAPPINESS!

OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH,

OH. MY. GOSH!!!

IT’S DONE…OUR BOOK IS DONE!!!

A little behind schedule, yes, but our latest eBook, The Caregiver Organizer for MY Aging Parent is DONE!!!

The only thing left to do is get it on our website, which will hopefully be completed by the end of the week (you know how techy guys can be sometimes), and then it’s LIVE and FOR SALE!!!

Be sure to watch our Facebook page for a roll-out SALE soon.

We’re so, so proud of this book and can’t wait to share it with everyone.  From the first day of introducing our first book, The Caregiver Organizer for MY Child, people have been telling us this is exactly what they need for taking care of their parents.  We listened and here is the result.

In case you’re new here, it’s not a “how to” book.  The Caregiver Organizer is a way to organize all that information you know about your child or your parent in one convenient place.  So when you need to hire a caregiver to help you from time to time, all your information is in a clear and concise format, and you can relax, knowing your loved one is being taken care of the way you want.

So join us in our celebration!  Feel free to sing your own note of happiness for us!

Karen

Tuesday Tidbit-We do for our kids, why not ourselves?

So to echo Karen's thoughts yesterday, it struck me as odd that when I'm at the doctor with my child, I have absolutely no problem speaking up for them. I am their advocate and they are my charge. Or to say it a little more picturesquely, Mama Bear is in the room and ain't nobody movin' on 'til Mama Bear is satisfied that all of the issues have been addressed.

So why is it that when I go to the doc for myself I can turn into Little Miss Muffet? Seriously. It must be the editor inside me saying,"Now Melissa. Don't be silly. They'll think you're a hypochondriac. You're just over reacting. Don't be such a drama queen!" To the extent that remember that blood test I was getting about a month ago? Well, my doctor had added on another test because I mentioned something and since it had not acted up for a month or so, I promptly scratched that test off the list.

And now, after Karen's experience, I'm thinking that may not have been the best course of action. Hmmmmmmmm.....

If I can speak up for my kids, I can speak up for myself. I'm finding ways to do it more often, and politely, but I must remember to not stand there and just 1.) accept what I'm being fed and 2.) smile and nod when I don't agree. Afterall, I'm just a big kid. So I should have no problem speaking up for myself.

Yours, wondering how I will speak up and still keep it filtered.....

Melissa

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!

Today’s blog post is going to be a bit of a digression from what I usually write.  It’s not funny.  It’s not about our upcoming book.  It’s not about caregiving.  It’s about a personal experience that I’m hoping you can learn from.

I mentioned in a recent post that I recently had surgery.  My lesson to you today is to LISTEN TO YOUR BODY and make your doctor listen to YOU.  I knew something was wrong after surgery but my doctor said everything was fine.  The specifics aren’t important, but what is important is that after a week of getting worse, I finally convinced him that what I was saying needed to be checked out.  And guess what?  I was right.  And it was life threatening.

I was admitted to the hospital immediately and everything is fine now, thank goodness.  I shudder to think what could have happened if I had not pursued this.

YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BETTER THAN ANYONE.

DO NOT BE SHY!  INSIST ON TESTS IF YOU FEEL THERE IS A PROBLEM.  If your doctor won’t listen to you, find another doctor.

That’s my lesson for the day.  I promise to be more funny on Wednesday!

Karen

Saturday Sass. . . .

Below, is a friend of mine, a Mr. Bill Filer, who's blog, whit and humor I enjoy throughly. Here are his thoughts concerning those lovely Nigerian Spam Scams...

To the Regal and Generous Kingdom of Nigeria,

I must sheepishly admit that the abundance of your countries riches were unknown to me, that is until I began receiving daily solicitations inviting me to partake in your nation's largess.

Every day thousands of normal citizens, like me, have their in-boxes flooded with once in a lifetime opportunities from your country. By simply following a few short steps, usually involving name, social security number, and bank account information, vast sums of cash can be ours for the taking.

In no geography or economics class taken was there data presented indicating that Nigeria sits atop an inexhaustible supply of money. I fault our educational system. The amazing thing in all of this is if you were able to somehow sum up all the offers received in a given day, the cash prizes we lucky few stand to gain would total 5,467% of your annual GDP, approximately.

To the extent that your financial resources are unlimited, your charity is boundless as well. Clearly, if we're to believe that you indeed possess such wealth, you must have found a place in your government for all of the out-of-work or paroled accountants and financial officers from Enron, Worldcom, Tyco, AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Countrywide Mortgage. For that, we thank you. No unscrupulous corporate raider should be without books to cook and treasuries to bankrupt.

Your country's wealth lies not just in money and charity. Apparently, Nigeria is literally teeming with royalty or near royalty. Every correspondence is tendered sincerely from a King, Queen, or Tribal Chief. Your country should immediately beseech the UN security council for the opportunity to address the world's nations on how to peacefully co-exist with so many heads of state present in one small, small geographic area.

The embarrassment of riches does not end there. Clearly your royal and most wealthy countrymen are all gifted with quite a turn of phrase. Just yesterday I received an inquiry from one of the multitudes of Royalty with "Kindly and Generous Most High Person of Interest" as the salutation. Several weeks ago, an inquiry received from an eager tribal chief read "Your humble regards to urgency is appreciated utmost" and "to the heart of worlds and love is all unkept in Godly fashion." Just let me state, for the record, that if Keats or Wordsworth were alive today, they would openly weep at beauty and passion and artistry displayed in your electronic communication.

Untold riches, charitable, regal, and creatively literate, you Nigeria are a nation of note and due admiration. Please allow me to speak for the entire country of the United States, weary of computer viruses and tired of hitting the delete key, when I humbly beg you to redirect your kindness to a country more worthy of your resources, reign of nobility, and place among the champions of prose, poetry, and literary works of art.

Shall we say....Albania. Maybe Kazakhstan. Possibly Peru.

Thank you for your kindly and unseen fortitude in homes and hearts a flame with tomorrows decisions in the man made hollows and perpitude.

Bill

When Does it Get to Done?

I have a "to do" list. Several of them in fact. They are divided into categories (currently by which job they apply to) and even color coded in some areas. (Hey- if it's not fun, it doesn't get done!)

My question is, "When does my to do list get to done?"

This is going to require some chocolate chip cookie meditations. Or at the very least, a cupcake from my friend's baking service. I had her Mexican Cupcake on Monday evening. I'm ruined. Simply ruined! you can check out her tasty treat here at Pisa Cake!

Yours, off on a cupcake hunt,

Melissa

The Unexpected

One of my closest lifelong friends is preparing to adopt. It's been a huge decision for her and her husband. There's a lot of hoops to jump through, and nothing is guaranteed. Last night, she was over for a gathering of friends, and she began asking so many questions about raising kids and parenting and what it's like..

"The best that I can tell you is this," I said." It's 75% really, really hard work. And some days you don't know top from bottom. But the other 25% is so incredibly sweet, that it makes the other melt away. And it's usually those moments out of the blue..."

Like yesterday, when I was in the car with Z1. He was being such a gem- I altered his schedule and it required him to run to work with me and he just grabbed a book and said,"Okay." I was driving and said,"Son, what did I do to get so lucky to have a boy like you?"

Without missing a beat he said,"You were just being you, Mom. And that's enough."

I think he's golden for a while. :-)

Yours, reveling in the unexpected,

Melissa

THIS IS WHY HE DOESN’T GO GROCERY SHOPPING…

I recently had surgery.  Nothing major, but enough to keep me down for a couple of weeks (thanks, Melissa for picking up the blogging slack!).  One of the areas that my husband needed to take over was the grocery shopping.

Let me just sidetrack here and say, not only do I not EVER send him to the grocery store, but I don’t even let him come with me. It’s worse than having the kids with me.  Really.  Because I can’t really say “no” to him when he puts something in the basket like I can to the kids!

So he comes home from his little excursion, with this HUGE smile on his face, SO proud of himself, and all I can think is “Uh oh!”

“I spent $200” he tells me.  “Um, on what, honey?”  “All sorts of really great stuff!”  I start looking in the bags.  I see frozen pizzas, boxes of sugar cereals, bags of miniature donuts, Bagel Bites, more pizzas, UGH!

Then he tells me, “And then I see ALL THESE FOODS that all you have to do is take them out of the freezer and put them in the microwave and you have dinner.  WOW!  Look at this lasagna I got!”  I don’t even try to explain to him the nutritional content of prepared foods, I just let him ride his high for a while!

So a few days later, one of my neighbors was nice enough to go back to the grocery store and get me some milk, fruit, veggies, you know, the staples that should have been included in that $200 my husband spent.

I let him think he did a great job before I burst his bubble, but he’s still not convinced that the lasagna wasn’t a great find.  And it was pretty good!

Karen

Friday Fun- just Google it!

It's Friday and football season has started! Need I say more? That's all the fun I need in my Friday. Because you know, along with football comes football nachos. thus making this one of my favorite times of the year.

I have to admit, I was not feeling very humorous today. And then I took a look in the mirror and couldn't help but laugh. Seriously! Let's just say that the rain we've had for the last two days has made my hair exponentially bigger. Thank goodness for ponytail holders and ballcaps.

So back to not feeling very funny. Or clever. Or witty. These days, with having to keep up with facebook, trying to be funny can be a full time job. And sometimes, it will get you censored by your boss from another job on facebook, but that's an entirely different post. Let's just say, I posted something that was absolutely innocent... unless you were looking at it with Y Chromosome eyes. And since I don't think that way... well, that update came down immediately.

Which brings me to my fun fact of the day. I was wondering, "I'm not feeling funny today... I wonder if there is a collection of the funniest status updates?" So I googled it. Sure enough, there are websites dedicated to funny status updates. Un. be. lievable.

Wish I could google some other things, but I'm assuming the winning lotto numbers won't be there.

Yours, wishing you a wonderful weekend,

Melissa

GUEST POST: LINDSAY HARRIS

WHAT TO DO WITH THE ARTWORK?

Getting organized for the new school year is in full swing at our house. For a three and a half year old and a 20 month old (both are going to nursery school) this really only involves buying new clothes for the eldest and some for the youngest and labeling everything! While this is not the full back-to-school prep people of older children go through, there is something we all have in common once school starts and that is answering the question: What do we do with all the artwork?

I don’t know about your kids, but mine are mass producers of artwork. When we do art projects at home, the girls go through pages and pages of drawings and paintings before they are finished. Add to that what they bring home from school and we have a major clutter situation. Some of the artwork is easy to throw in the recycling bin but a lot of it is hard to throw out. Over the past few years of receiving art, I have come up with a few solutions:

1. Use art as art is intended: Frame it!

As we have small children and lots of expenses, when we started decorating our house we found that we had a lot of wall space and no money or inclination to purchase expensive ‘art’. When I was in Grade 4, my parents framed a pastel drawing I had done and to this day it still hangs on my wall. It’s a great keepsake and I am proud that my parents thought it was special enough to frame. When decorating Ainsley’s big girl room, I went through the pile of art we had accumulated and picked out three of her drawings and framed those using inexpensive Ikea frames. I love the look of them and Ainsley is very excited every time I remind her that she drew those pictures. I will do the same for Juliet once we have a collection to choose from. What a great way to boost self-esteem by showing them that what they have created is special.

2. Art as a Gift

To take the framing of art one step further, I have given framed pieces to my parents and in-laws. I find it very hard to shop for them as really, what do you get your parents let alone your in-laws? Whether they hang the art on their wall in the office or at home, it’s a really nice thoughtful gift that is an Original piece of artwork that is priceless. This is a great way to save the art that you don’t want to throw out but at the same time, make room in your house for new art.

3. Art as Fundraiser

This past year at Ainsley’s nursery school we did a fabulous fundraiser for the school using the children’s paintings. Both girls created a painting and it was sent to Acorn Custom Cards, a company which took the art and made cards and placemats. This was a great idea as it provided a fun art activity for the kids, earned money for the co-op school and parents were able to have cards made that showcased their child’s skills and again, the children would get a self-esteem boost by seeing their art used in a new way.

4. Art as wrapping paper and cards

Another great option is to reuse your children’s artwork as wrapping paper and as cards. I love getting home made mother’s day cards and my girls love making cards for others. This is a great use of artwork that would otherwise be thrown out and save you from buying overpriced cards and wrapping paper!

5. The Art Book

This is something I haven’t created yet but have hopes that when the girls get older and start drawing people and animals we can create our own books. I would love to take a bunch of their drawings and work with them to create a story to go along with them. It would be something simple but I love the stories that Ainsley has started telling me about her drawings and think that soon we will be able to start putting them down on paper. What I would do is mount the artwork on scrapbook paper and add the caption below telling the story. To finish off the “art book” we would either insert the scrapbook pages into clear page protectors and put in a scrap book or we could punch holes into the pages and bind with ribbon. I look forward to the opportunity to make our first book by Ainsley.

The other option for this is to not have a story at all and just put together a collection of art and store it in a scrapbook. This is a really nice idea as you could pick a variety of work done over the course of a school year and have a volume for each year.

Editorial provided by Lindsay Harris. Lindsay is the Owner of Glow Baby – For the Organized Family www.glowbaby.ca. Glow Baby products are designed to help parents stay organized through all stages of parenthood making family life easier. She is also the proud mom of two beautiful daughters ages 3 1/2 and 20 months.

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem

Self-esteem- you can blow it at an early age with your kids. And once you do, it's nearly impossible to get it back.

We all have moments that we remember being made to feel poorly- stupid, fat, worthless, insignificant, etc. It's been said that we may not remember what someone gives us, but we will always remember how a person made us feel. And sadly, when someone makes you feel rotten, we tend to remember that the most. As parents, we need to be on guard for those moments- not to make our kids feel rotten, and also to be aware of opportunities to build their self esteem. While it's not our job to give our kids everything they want to make them happy.... but it IS our job to help them feel competent, able, intelligent and worthwhile! Here are some ways to do just that:

1.) Let them pick out their clothes. This is a tough one for me, as my Z2's tastes and mine are pretty opposite some days. But I figure as long as she's clean and appropriately covered, then if she wants to wear day glo pink and yellow with a splash of blue and she's happy, great. We won't always like each other's clothes, but I do want us to always like each other.

2.) Let them pick out birthday presents to take to parties. When we go shopping, I give them a limit, and I let them pick it out. I do give suggestions, and always follow that up with,"I know that YOU like that, but how will your FRIEND like it?"

3.) Let them make a few decisions. HARD.HARD.HARD! As a mom, my first instinct is to PROTECT MY BABIES. Well, the truth is, my babies are growing up, and if I don't let them think it through while I'm around to help them, then it might be disastrous for them come adulthood. Z1 is in fourth grade, and fully owning his decisions and rewards/consequences. Some days I'm thrilled, other days, my heart breaks for him, but all days, when he owns his decisions, I'm proud of him.

4.) Praise them when a task is completed. Do not take anything for granted- even the simplest of things. Sometimes it is complimenting their manners (using them without being prompted) or completing chores or simply treating them with the tone of voice and the respect that you would like to them to treat you with. I'm not saying it's easy (believe me....) but FINDING something to praise them about everyday will make a difference.

5.) Encourage them. I always tell my kids,"You are intelligent, handsome/beautiful, have a great heart and the ability to go after whatever you choose." Even if they fail, don't make the team or miss the grade, the fact that they are going after it is the most important thing. It's my job to help them reach for their dreams as much as I can.

6.) Special Surprises- this does not have to be big. Z2 LOVES getting notes from me in her lunch box. Z1 is deliriously happy to get cards in the mail. They both ALWAYS look for love notes when I leave for an out of town trip. Or helping them with their chores- they really like that!

And sometimes, particularly when we have had a hard day together I will stop what I'm doing, call them over and look them right in the face and say," It's been a tough day today, hasn't it... But I want you to know that I love you even more today than yesterday and I'm very proud of you and who you are. I will always love you no matter what and we can always, always, always talk it through." I can't tell you how many times that has melted the toughest of arguments- maybe not at that moment, but it the thaw does come. :-)

Yours, hoping you will tell your kiddos how much you loves them today and how proud you are that they are yours,

Melissa

HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!

As we all labor away at whatever we do in life, whether it be outside the home in an office or inside the home as a caregiver, or just struggling to take care of ourselves the best as we can, take pause for a few moments today to say thanks.

THANKS to all those who have labored before us to make our country as wonderful as it is today.

THANKS to all those who continue to labor today to keep our country running smoothly, from the factory worker to the CEO to (gasp, yes) even the politicians, who are all (hopefully) doing the best job they can, given the resources they are provided.

THANKS to those inside our own home.  When the kids pick up that extra toy, or DH puts away that load from the dishwasher, who knows?  Maybe we’ll be inspired to clean out that closet today.  OR NOT!!!  Just sit back and enjoy!

Have a great holiday weekend!

Karen

Friday Funny- For Women- No, for everyone!

If you read nothing else, all day long, read this!

When I first thought about posting this letter, I thought that it should be for women only. After all, it is dealing with a sensitive, female subject. But the more I thought about it, it might be good for husbands, boyfriends and any man that has women in his life for the purposes of understanding us at that time in the month we all (women and men alike) wish we could avoid...

****************

This was just too funny.... This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you freakin' kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

10 MISCONCEPTIONS OF MOMS AND BACK-TO-SCHOOL

By now, most of you should have sent your kids back to school, or will after the holiday weekend.  This article was sent to me by a good friend, but as most jokes that make the rounds in the virtual stratosphere, I have no idea where it originated.  So hats off to the author of this hilarious list!

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school.
Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to school and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a $200 bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils?What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.
What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask? PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.
What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though, I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus.
Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait” or “If you stop I’ll show you my boobies.”

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school.
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.”

Karen

Wordless Wednesday

As we say farewell to Summer... (sniff, sniff... silent tear)

Yours, taking the best of summer and leaving the rest behind,

Melissa