Saturday, September 18, 2010

Saturday Sass. . . .

Below, is a friend of mine, a Mr. Bill Filer, who's blog, whit and humor I enjoy throughly. Here are his thoughts concerning those lovely Nigerian Spam Scams...

To the Regal and Generous Kingdom of Nigeria,

I must sheepishly admit that the abundance of your countries riches were unknown to me, that is until I began receiving daily solicitations inviting me to partake in your nation's largess.

Every day thousands of normal citizens, like me, have their in-boxes flooded with once in a lifetime opportunities from your country. By simply following a few short steps, usually involving name, social security number, and bank account information, vast sums of cash can be ours for the taking.

In no geography or economics class taken was there data presented indicating that Nigeria sits atop an inexhaustible supply of money. I fault our educational system. The amazing thing in all of this is if you were able to somehow sum up all the offers received in a given day, the cash prizes we lucky few stand to gain would total 5,467% of your annual GDP, approximately.

To the extent that your financial resources are unlimited, your charity is boundless as well. Clearly, if we're to believe that you indeed possess such wealth, you must have found a place in your government for all of the out-of-work or paroled accountants and financial officers from Enron, Worldcom, Tyco, AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Countrywide Mortgage. For that, we thank you. No unscrupulous corporate raider should be without books to cook and treasuries to bankrupt.

Your country's wealth lies not just in money and charity. Apparently, Nigeria is literally teeming with royalty or near royalty. Every correspondence is tendered sincerely from a King, Queen, or Tribal Chief. Your country should immediately beseech the UN security council for the opportunity to address the world's nations on how to peacefully co-exist with so many heads of state present in one small, small geographic area.

The embarrassment of riches does not end there. Clearly your royal and most wealthy countrymen are all gifted with quite a turn of phrase. Just yesterday I received an inquiry from one of the multitudes of Royalty with "Kindly and Generous Most High Person of Interest" as the salutation. Several weeks ago, an inquiry received from an eager tribal chief read "Your humble regards to urgency is appreciated utmost" and "to the heart of worlds and love is all unkept in Godly fashion." Just let me state, for the record, that if Keats or Wordsworth were alive today, they would openly weep at beauty and passion and artistry displayed in your electronic communication.

Untold riches, charitable, regal, and creatively literate, you Nigeria are a nation of note and due admiration. Please allow me to speak for the entire country of the United States, weary of computer viruses and tired of hitting the delete key, when I humbly beg you to redirect your kindness to a country more worthy of your resources, reign of nobility, and place among the champions of prose, poetry, and literary works of art.

Shall we say....Albania. Maybe Kazakhstan. Possibly Peru.

Thank you for your kindly and unseen fortitude in homes and hearts a flame with tomorrows decisions in the man made hollows and perpitude.


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