Friday Funny- Did you HEAR what you just said???

WARNING- this may not be for male readers.... well, not wimpy ones. Definitely not never been married ones.

I had to go to the doc today. I'm not a fan of medical procedures. Last week I finally took a blood test that had been waiting for me for six months. I know it's silliness, but the whole needles thing makes me all jelly-legged and vomitty. NOT a good look for me. Today's procedure involved several incisions, so I was not looking forward to it. AT ALL.

So I'm in the patient room, anxiously waiting. I'm having a procedure in a yonder region located in the lower half of what I call "The No Zone". You see, when I first got married, when something was amiss medically, The Hubs would call his dad, who is a pharmacist. That's fine if you're talking about your own body with your own dad. But when they began discussing MY body parts, I firmly laid down the law with a slice to my neck, a slice to my knees, and declared everything in between "The No Zone", meaning they did not discuss and diagnose those things within said Zone.

Oh, and did I mention this was my OB doc? Riiiiiiight. So I'm in the patient room waiting. I waited long enough to decide I had to get dressed again, because seriously, it would be extremely embarrassing if I could not hold the gallon of coffee I drank while said procedure was being performed. I also nervously filed my nails and read half a magazine, all while dressed in the ultimate of doctor couture, the paper sheet. Yeah. Livin' large, baby!

So the doc comes in, (I must mention, I absolutely adore this man and his nurse. They've been very, very good to me) and he begins telling me about the procedure and prepping me. They have me on the table, the nurse helps me lay back, and he says,"Okay. Now, relax."

In the instant of silence, I could not help myself and simply BURST out with a BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!! so loudly they stopped and I called out,"Doc! Wait!"

I was laughing so hard I couldn't contain myself. Doc's head peers from around the medical scope and curtain. He's laughing too.

I say,"Did you just hear yourself? Seriously! You're about to put ten inches of metal in an uncomfortable place to make incisions (without any numbing or anything of the sort) and you're telling me to RE-LAAAAXX?!?!? How about we switch places and I'll try the same prep/procedure and phrase on YOU and see if you're able to kick back without a care in the world!"

Of course by this time, we're all laughing so hard that we had to wait a good five minutes before we could get anything accomplished.

Yours, relieved that it's over, and hoping you laugh the next time you're in the doctor's office,

Melissa

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!

Today’s blog post is going to be a bit of a digression from what I usually write.  It’s not funny.  It’s not about our upcoming book.  It’s not about caregiving.  It’s about a personal experience that I’m hoping you can learn from.

I mentioned in a recent post that I recently had surgery.  My lesson to you today is to LISTEN TO YOUR BODY and make your doctor listen to YOU.  I knew something was wrong after surgery but my doctor said everything was fine.  The specifics aren’t important, but what is important is that after a week of getting worse, I finally convinced him that what I was saying needed to be checked out.  And guess what?  I was right.  And it was life threatening.

I was admitted to the hospital immediately and everything is fine now, thank goodness.  I shudder to think what could have happened if I had not pursued this.

YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BETTER THAN ANYONE.

DO NOT BE SHY!  INSIST ON TESTS IF YOU FEEL THERE IS A PROBLEM.  If your doctor won’t listen to you, find another doctor.

That’s my lesson for the day.  I promise to be more funny on Wednesday!

Karen

Friday Funny- Medical Issues

My funny friend Tara strikes again. Take a look at some of these!

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ."My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's

dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a "massive internal fart".

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

Yours, wishing you a fabulous Friday!

Melissa

Thursday Thoughts- I'm Random

Yes, I forgot to blog on Tuesday. I'm so sorry. I blame it on the drugs. :-)

I've been sick for the last week- no voice for four days. Seriously- all I could do was whisper. My kids loved it. They thought they had complete reign of the joint. I put a stop to that immediately. Amazing what can happen when you take the media fix away from children. Snaps their bottoms in line pretty quickly.

I'm thankful for my doc, who called in the script without making me drive all the way into the city while I felt like poo. The trade-off is, of course, I have to come in for my yearly check-up next month, but at least he doesn't make me do both. I can live with that.

We are so close to the first complete rough draft of The Caregiver Organizer for my aging parent. In a couple of weeks, we'll be ready to give it to close associates who will go through it and tell us what they think. That's always a little nerve racking. After all, who wants to hear that their baby is ugly, right?

And for now, I have two more weeks of the kids being in school, while my school gig is finished for the summer. Oh how I treasure May. Love, love, love the month of May!

Yep, completely stream of consciousness today. But hey, at least I'm conscious. Which beats the last five days of zombiedom. I'll take it!

Yours, now getting ready to play catch-up,

Melissa

WEDNESDAY WHATEVER: THE WASHCLOTH

We all get jokes from friends on the internet. Some are funny enough to pass along and some get deleted. But some are so funny they actually have to become a blog post! (Even though this is written in the first person, it did NOT happen to me, although it sounds like something I might do!)

THE WASHCLOTH

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45AM.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away...I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'” I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cabinet. She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!”

Never going back to that doctor. Ever!

Hope You Shine Today in all your Glitter and Glory!

Karen

Yeah, It's In the Book

   "Melissa, any moron can have a baby. YOU will make a fine mother," said my doctor.  I was late in my seventh month of my first pregnancy.  He had just asked me how I was feeling- emotionally. At that moment I began, much to my husband's horror, weeping uncontrollably. If you ever want to freak a man out, just begin weeping uncontrollably. Gets them every time. My husband and doctor looked at each other with the infamous "Dare We Tread Here" Look and The Doc asked me,"What's wrong, dear?"

"Doc, I just don't think I can do this. I've been thinking about it for three days now and I have decided that I am going to have to give the baby up for adoption," I stated with resignation.

"ADOPTION!?!?!" shrieked the men in unison. In a split second my husband was at my side and The Doc asked,"What do you mean? Don't think you can do what?"

Sniff-gasp-sniff-gasp-"Take care of this-sniff-gasp- baby," I replied between sobs. "There's just too-sniff-gasp-much to remember. What if I miss something? -sniff-gasp- I just know I'm going to do something wrong and screw up my child for the rest of his or her life!"  Mwaaaaaaahhhhhh!

"Okay, okay, wait a minute," said The Doc. "Melissaaaa. . . . .have you been reading that book I told you to throw away?"

Silence. Sniff-gasp. Guilty face. Sniff-gasp. Head hung low, I whispered a sheepish,"Yes." 

The Doc slapped his hand to his forehead."Honey, that's why I told you to throw it away. It's a horrible book. Melissa, any moron can have a baby. YOU will make a fine mother."

That was over seven years ago. I don't know how fine a mother I am, but I do know I've read countless books, watched more TV programs, scanned innumerable magazine articles and discussed ad nauseum this adventure of motherhood.  I've even written a manual for my OWN children with a friend of mine. And not a day goes by that I don't think,"Hhmph. Never read about THAT in the books!"

If you're a mom, parent, caregiver, aunt, uncle, grandparent, teacher, day care provider, anyone who cares for children in any capacity, then you know what I say is true. And at some point, you've probably experienced those same emotions that have told you," I canNOT do this! I am totally incapable!" Yet something happens and you reach a little deeper, pick up the child, hold them for a moment (or, depending on the situation, send them to their room for their own safety) and we travel on.  But one thing's for sure, there's no book that covers everything caring for a child means, requires and gives back.

Yours, unable to believe it's been over seven years already!

Melissa