Friday, April 2, 2010

Coffee Baths and Other Assorted Disasters

Earlier in the week, I promised that I would give you a glimpse into why I'm having a harder time holding on to my sanity. Grab a cup of coffee. This is going to take a few minutes to explain my Monday morning, but I promise you will feel so much better about your Monday after reading about mine.

I get up at 5:45 in the morning to get my workout in. It's not that I like to get up that early, but if I don't work out first thing, I know it won't happen. So I put on my exercise clothes and putter downstairs to get a glass of juice. I open up the fridge and notice that something is not. quite. right. Oh, look. There's shards of glass on the shelves and what IS that dripping?

Apparently, when you put a bottle of Rendezvous Lemonade next to the vent where the freezer air comes in, it freezes the bottle. In and of itself, not a bad thing. Except that the lemonade froze too. And expanded. And shattered the bottle EVERYWHERE. And once the lemonade was outside the bottle, it melted and pooled into a huge puddle in the bottom of the fridge. And of course, the fridge was completely full as I had just gone grocery shopping the day before. Of course.

Hmmmmm. . . there goes my workout.

I begin taking items out and pull the trash can over to toss the busted glass. All the while I'm talking to myself, saying,"Okay. It's Monday. I'm not going to let this ruin my day. It's time for Spring Cleaning anyway. Just getting an unplanned head start." I'm calmly talking myself through this. By the time I get down to the bottom, my neighbor's daughter is coming over (so I can take her to school with my kids later). My husband, who is still in his PJ's looks at me, in the midst of the entire fridge contents all over the counter, painstakingly cleaning everything and says,"You want to go get that? I'm still in my PJs."

This is a test. This is only a test. I will not rip his head off. Melissa, bite your tongue and just go get the door. (Mind you, I didn't look much prettier, but hey, what's some bed head between neighbors, right?)

So I finally get the fridge put back together and get the kids and myself ready for school. Since I had had a bit of a rough start, I decided to dress up a little bit to pull my spirits up. I had on a beautiful pair of grey, wide legged trousers with a big French cuff on the bottom and some black oxford pumps. I'm shooing everyone to the car as I'm at the top of the stairs, mega cup of coffee in hand. As I begin to take my first step down, my right heel catches in the cuff of my left pant leg. My entire body lurches forward as I grab on to the banister. As I'm trying to get my heel out (all within a second, I tell you), my legs compensate and throw my body backward. I look like Weeble Wobble Punching Bag going down for the count and back up again, all with coffee in hand and screaming Lord only KNOWS what. The coffee could no longer contain itself and leapt out of the mug, onto the left wall, the right wall, down eight of the stairs with NEW carpeting and a nice sized splash on the right side of my head, down my arms, sweater vest and pants. And I was having SUCH an amazing hair day until that moment.

I fell back into the safety of the hallway at which point I see that my sweet boy is behind me with the most surprised expression on his face. Think Alfalfa, sprout of hair in the back and all.

Bless his heart, the first words out of his mouth were,"Mom!!! Can I help you?!?! I'll go get some towels!" We blotted up as much as we could, but I had to get the kids to school, so I got in the car and took them, smelling like Verona with cream and sugar. After dropping them off, I go back home, clean myself up and begin wiping down walls and carpet.

"Well, " I say to myself,"At least I didn't plummet head first to my death and again, getting more cleaning done. Might as well, after the fridge." I take a quick shower, put on fresh clothes, getting ready to walk out the door to get to work and I can't find my keys.

I know, right? It feels like a movie at this point. I'm starting to wonder a bit- it's feeling so doomsday- so I say,"Lord, I'm going to use my spare set downstairs. But if this morning is any indication that I should cancel everything and stay home, please don't let my car start."

Vrrroooooom. Car starts right up. Okay. Good. Maybe it's over. Cruising down the highway, all of a sudden, everyone is coming to a complete stop. Not one that was gradual, but a sudden halt- the kind where you look up in your rearview mirror and see the cars behind you going to the shoulder and the spare lane in order not to take out your back end.

At this point, I just bowed my head and said,"Please Lord, just get me to work, protect me, and I promise I'll come straight home. And whatever it is that You need to say to me, You have my full attention."

I went to work, taught my class and on the way home, the SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN! Cars going everywhere! And it's only NOON!!!!!

I went straight home and spent two hours getting the coffee out of the stairs. My knees are sore, my legs are sore, and I'm starting to get a little bit crabby. But at least I won't have to listen to someone of the Y Chromosome factor go on and on about the new carpet and coffee stains. I go get the steam cleaner- the hand tool is broken.

That's it. There's no more talking nicely at this point. I opened up the cleaning jug on the carpet and just begin soaking down the stairs, all the while muttering insane jibberish to myself.

The good news is, it all came up. And I managed to make it through that evening unscathed. And even The Hub said," I'm so glad you didn't fall and that you are okay," BEFORE he investigated the stairs.

Next time, I'm calling it a day at the fridge.I'm just canceling everything and going back to bed. I'm through with this kind of Spring cleaning.

Yours, no longer taking my coffee upstairs in the morning,



  1. I'm so glad your still alive after that! OH, and my Tuesday was grand. I took Jaci to get her belly pierced.

  2. Good Gracious!!! What a way to learn that I almost went from three daughters down to two!..But then again, maybe it's better. I've always heard, "What you don't know can't hurt you". Trouble is, I usually find out after the fact. Then I get all nervous thinking what could have happened. Thank God!, although I'm sure you thought you were deserted by Him that morning. My sweet middle daughter..she really didn't desrve such a day, Lord...