I AM NOT SMARTER THAN A 4TH GRADER!

My boys are only in fourth grade and already I am pretending to go to the bathroom so I can look things up on the computer when helping them with their homework.  Really!  What would I do without Wikipedia?  And thank goodness I get the answer key for their math homework or I’d really look stupid!

I can’t be the only one having this problem, am I?  Let’s start with Math.  They are learning multiplication and division WAY differently than the way I learned it, so when I try to help them, they look at me like I’m an idiot.  My way makes sense to me, and it gets them the same answer, but they have no idea what I’m doing.  So now, at 40-something, I have to learn how to multiply and divide all over again, the “NEW” way.  Ugh!

Then I was helping them with Language Arts, another subject I THOUGHT I was good at.  They were supposed to pick out the subject, then the simple subject, the predicate, then the simple predicate.  Huh?  Run upstairs (be right back honey, I just have to go to the bathroom) and check the computer to see what the heck a predicate is.  Oooooh, okay.  Now, what’s the simple predicate?  Well, why didn’t you just say verb?  Now I get it.  Run back downstairs. (Okay sweetie, where were we?)

The best is when the teacher is giving me suggestions on how to help them, or what to look out for when they are doing homework, etc. and she is talking about things that are totally confusing me.  “Uh, now, refresh my memory, exactly what is that again?”  Yes, I feel like the biggest idiot in the world!  She’s teaching this stuff to my 9 year old and I have no idea what she’s talking about.  Don’t I feel like a LOSER!!!

So here’s an idea for teachers:  at the beginning of the year, write a little manual for the parents with ALL the answers for the entire year.  You don’t want our kids to think (know) that they are smarter than us, do you?

Karen

10 MISCONCEPTIONS OF MOMS AND BACK-TO-SCHOOL

By now, most of you should have sent your kids back to school, or will after the holiday weekend.  This article was sent to me by a good friend, but as most jokes that make the rounds in the virtual stratosphere, I have no idea where it originated.  So hats off to the author of this hilarious list!

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school.
Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to school and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a $200 bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils?What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.
What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask? PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.
What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though, I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus.
Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait” or “If you stop I’ll show you my boobies.”

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school.
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.”

Karen

THINGS ARE A-CHANGIN’ THIS YEAR!

My boys are in 4th grade this year, so it’s time they do more, so  I can do less.  And really, it’s time.  Don’t worry, I’m not totally cutting them out on their own, but they need to start assuming more responsibility concerning getting ready for school each morning, remembering their schedules, doing their chores, etc.

So let’s start with school.  The night before, they need to pack up their backpacks after they finish their homework and I check it.  In the morning, they need to figure out if they are bringing lunch or buying.  (They are allowed to buy only twice per week.  Call me cheap, call me a health nut, whatever!)  They can get out their lunch box (are they still called lunch boxes, cuz they really aren’t boxes anymore – hey, I still remember my Partridge Family lunch box!), the blue ice thingee, and the “sides” that  they want.  I’ll make their sandwiches for them.  They also need to remember to bring a snack (I don’t actually know if 4th graders bring snacks, but they did in 3rd grade) if they didn’t already pack that.

After school, they need to unpack their backpack and give me whatever I need to see (of course I’ll double check this) and start on their homework at whatever time we agree upon.

Regarding their schedule, I’ll start putting their activities on the kitchen calendar so they can check it every night when they are putting their backpacks together.  So if they have a cub scout meeting or something else after school that they’ll need a note for, they will have to remind me to write it.

Chores.  Hmmm, that’s a tougher one.  As it is now, they earn their allowance by doing chores, but only if they remember, not if I have to remind them.  This hasn’t worked out so well.  I have an idea to keep the same concept, but tweak it a little bit.  I just hate having to remind them to do the same things, day after day after day.  (One of those little things that annoys the heck out of me!)

So I think I’ll start with these little changes and if all goes well, expand from there.  Wish me luck!

Karen

HOW TO REWARD YOUR KIDS

Remember when rewards and incentives for your kids used to be so easy? For a 3 or 4 year old, a star next to their name was the greatest thing ever! Then you progressed on to maybe stickers. Still pretty cool! Perhaps a trip to the dollar store was next. But whatever the path, I think all parents end up at the same reward: COLD HARD CASH!!!

My boys are 8 years old now, and no matter how many toys they have, it’s never enough. (Boys never really grow out of this, do they? I mean, even as men!) So we have a few things going on right now to give them the opportunity to earn money.

The first thing we did was connect money with chores. They’ve had chores for quite a while now, but of course I always have to remind them what do to and when. So now, if they actually do a chore ON THEIR OWN without being reminded by either me or DH, they earn a quarter. Not a lot, I know, but they have the opportunity to earn a couple of bucks a day. This, of course, has never been accomplished, but I’m still holding out hope!

The boys started having a bit of trouble this school year with getting homework done in a timely manner, so I addressed that next. (You know, they would sit down to do it, but somehow end up wrestling on the floor.) So now, if they immediately start on their homework after they have a snack, and complete it in a reasonable amount of time (as determined by ME) with the least amount of distractions (also determined by ME) and with the proper amount of concentration and attentiveness (yep, you guessed it, according to ME), they get a quarter. You wouldn’t think that a mere 25 cents would incent them to stop playing and actually work on homework, but it really does!

So now, I have one more idea, which I worked out with one of the 3rd grade teachers. For every paper that they bring home with their best effort made, they will get a quarter. I told them that the grade isn’t as important as whether or not they followed the instructions, answered the questions to the best of their knowledge, and went over their work before turning it in. I’m seeing too many answers marked wrong because they didn’t read instructions or accidently skipped over a question. With one of the boys, it will be easy to tell, because he’s usually not careless, but with the other one, his teacher is going to put a little star at the bottom of the paper if she feels he really did his best. So we’ll see how this one works out.

So what are your ideas for rewarding your kids for good behavior? I’m always open to new ones!

Karen