Friday Funny- Oh Yes, Spouse GPS

Dear Tom-Tom GPS,


I've been very intrigued over the last 6 months with your downloads of different character voices. I especially liked the Yoda voice download. The video makes me laugh every single time, especially when he makes the sound engineers sliders go maniacal. 
We're coming up on vacation within the next few months at The B House. As we always take a long car trip, it got me to thinking... (Danger, Will Robinson!!!) ... I would LOVE to have Spouse Voice GPS download. Think of the time you could save millions of women  spouses across America. The GPS could be turned on and I any spouse in the navigational chair could zone out  read their book in complete peace. It would take care of the reminding for them. Just think....  you could program responses such as:


1.) Yes, honey, we are making GREAT time! (Please set this to repeat every 25 miles). 


2.) Yes, dear, I know we just stopped 2 hours ago, but if the kids don't get to go to the bathroom soon, it's gonna get six shades of stinky in here! (Please set this to play after ONE hour of continuous driving, repeating every 8 minutes until we stop.)


3.) Yes, dear, the map CONFIRMS what the GPS is saying. (Please use after stating #1. Continual loop.)


4.) We're really ready for a break now! (Said in a somewhat cheery voice. See instructions on #2).


5.) Dearest children of mine, play nice or I'm coming back there. (Set this to play when said spouse overrides #2).


6.) I MEAN IT. DON'T Make me come back there. (In conjunction with #5, as you deem necessary).


7.) Honey- please... I'm begging, don't take the alternate route in Atlanta. Can we PLEASE stay on the main route this time? (Please program this to speak 30 minutes before we hit Atlanta, and repeating every two minutes until he driver agrees.)


8.) Yes. I know. I can SEE that we are at a dead stop in nine lanes of traffic. Which is why I begged you not to take the alternate route. (Program for when we hit Atlanta).


9.) Hey Mister! Don't get fussy with me! I told you not to take the alternate route! If you're not gonna listen, why did you turn the GPS on in the first place?!?!?!? (Please use in conjunction with #8. For an extra fee, you could program it to mumble something completely undecipherable and shut down afterwards).


I'd be happy to do the voiceover for free. And once this is uploaded to the GPS, I can put my earplugs in and rest assured I'm still navigating.  Please say you'll consider it....


Yours, looking forward to that car trip!


Melissa

Monday Minute: Too Many Electronics?

If you read my post last Monday, you know that I was GUILTED into going away this weekend with the family to a (gasp!) military event. And while I wasn’t really looking forward to it, and was REALLY pissed at my husband for manipulated the situation to suit him, it was actually kind-of fun. (By the way, if you mention that to my husband, I will cut your hair off in your sleep!)

But truth be told, I was more nervous about the drive than the actual event. With stops, it was about 8 hours each way. My kids have never been on a road trip. If it’s more than a few hours away, we fly. We’re just not a driving sort of family.

Well I have to say, the kids were GREAT! And of course they were great. We had movies, the PSP, my iPod, along with tons of snacks. WOW! Let’s think for a minute about road trips when we were kids. (Of course, I’m assuming that everyone reading this is around my age. If you’re not, keep it to yourself!)

There was the License Plate game. We never did see Alaska or Hawaii, so how was anyone supposed to win? And we had a Bingo game, with road signs and such instead of letters and numbers. Then there was listing items in a category (decided by Mom) using the letters A through Z in order.

But the thing I remember most from childhood road trips was “THE LOOK” from Dad. (Jaws music playing here!) I still shudder, just thinking about it. If we got “THE LOOK” we knew we were in REAL trouble. Dad never did threaten to stop the car, he would threaten to smack our knees. But the thing was, he couldn’t really drive and aim for one of us. The backseat contained me and my two sisters, giving him 6 knees to smack. And he did! No matter who was in trouble, we all got smacked knees. So that’s why we dreaded “THE LOOK!”

Hmmmm, I wonder if I’ve ever given “THE LOOK” to my kids. Naw, probably not!

Karen

Monday Minute: GUILT, GUILT, GUILT

So why does GUILT work so well on moms? Is it that we strive for perfection? Is it because we are so afraid of doing something wrong in raising our children and they’ll turn out to be serial killers? Or is it just because we’re afraid of becoming OUR OWN MOTHERS, whom we obviously blame for all of our neurosis?

My DH wants to take the boys to a military event this weekend. MY birthday weekend. Okay, so secretly I’m thinking that this is THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER!!! Until he finds out the event is about 6 1/2 hours away, instead of the 4 1/2 hours he thought. Now, he’s trying to guilt me into going with them. Not only do I have ABSOLUTELY NO desire to go, I really don’t want to spend my birthday in a car for 6 1/2 hours or more.

He talked to one of the “wives” who will be there, and she told him all about the things that the wives do together, and how the meals are catered, and how much fun she has, even though she thought it would be boring and stupid. So I pointed out that if I went with him, I’d wouldn’t even be with him and the boys, I’d be spending my time with a bunch of ladies I don’t even know. So why go?

This is where the truth comes out: He doesn’t want to drive all that way alone, with the boys, on their first road trip ever. AAAAHHHH! Yes, I see it now. He wants me to take care of the children during the ride and keep them quiet busy for the hours we’ll be in the car.

And here is the worst part: I’ll probably do it. Why? Because he used the best weapon ever invented against moms: GUILT. If I don’t go, he’s not going to go either. He’ll take them someplace closer some day. (Yeah, right!)

So think about me this weekend, sitting in a car, on my birthday, going to an event I don’t want to be at, staying in a yucky hotel, being miserable.

But there is ONE thing you can count on: I’m going to make him feel as guilty as I can. ALL. WEEKEND. LONG!!!

Karen